Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
S/o to @funTweeters .
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
happy friday
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My diet was going really well until I woke up.