When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Yes
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch