My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
oh you wanna fight?!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m aging like a fine banana
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?