Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
This is a bad sign
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no