THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
black phone good
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.