inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*exercises sarcastically*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL