I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.