If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
You Might Also Like
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms