no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.