You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Just got to our Airbnb!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
i dont have time for this
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.