*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
bought wrong eggs
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me