me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years