Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale