I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga