Yes my dude
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying