I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.