We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
You Might Also Like
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma