My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You Might Also Like
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
DOOO EEEET
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.