If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter