“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.