LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Finally, a door that understands me