Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
A new level of troll.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I wanna be friends with this person
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.