[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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The government even made aliens boring
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.