As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
You Might Also Like
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
getting corrected
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.