Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?