sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop