[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes