This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.