I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names