Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
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So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
can’t talk my ride’s here
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.