Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Poetry is my passion
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
🙂🐾
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire