Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.