if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Somebody call the cops.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.