just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You Might Also Like
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
the Monday after daylight savings
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.