My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.