My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
This is my bus stop.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me