It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums