Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Venn
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.