BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
i want to work in this restaurant
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing