herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
wow