The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*