BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Well, this is awkward
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion