Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You know…for fall…
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Herpes is trending, good job people
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you