So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Why are bridges so flammable.
B
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.