Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)