Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.