Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me