“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
The little toadstool has spoken.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Tough love is true love
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Never ghost your hitman.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light