“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Cinematography is my passion
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.