angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You Might Also Like
2022: I can fix it
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]